We Are Something Different: Re-Write

I got some great comments from Sarah and David on my last poem, “We Are Something Different.” I’ve made some changes and I’ve posted a rewrite below. More comments welcome. Also, my editing conversation with David after the jump.

We Are Something Different

We are something different
Entering karaoke whorehouses
Maybe you want to sing?
Maybe you want a woman?
Ha-ha-ha!

At noon
The space is gone
Emptied of its nothing
Contents.
The bleached sheet smell.
You eat but you don’t enjoy.

The half moon
She has pinchers
Like a translucent scorpion.
The eternal christmas
Lights blink red
The pathway of lowly giving.

I should know better
Than to address the moon.
It is for the opposite.
We are patrons
of the unnamed body.

David: oy
that last one was righteous
me: yeah man??
David: i just read it one minute ago
me: glad to hear you think so.. i think im gonna post a rewrite in the next few days ive got some improvements
David: hmm
me: i dont know if the sexual references are all out there enough..?? i mean everything i wrote is sexual in that
ending line I think might be “We are the hosts / of the unnamed body.”
David: i don’t like ‘hosts’
as much as the rest of that
we live/in the unnamed body?
we are guests/ of the unnamed body?
guests/ in the unnamed body?
me: hrmm
what is it about hosts that you dont like?
David: well, for one, I don’t entirely agree with what sarah says
i like the ending
me: hrm
David: second, the concepts of ‘host’ and ‘body’ are certainly familiar in conjunction with one another
me: yeah
David: i try to never use words in a way i’ve heard them before unless i’m doing it on purpose
me: well i think host has the advantage of resonance with “christmas”
but yeah i think unnamed body has this cthonic body of christ thing going on without the word host
David: right
it’s more than you need
plus it has a ghostly, sinister quality to it
that the rest of the poem doesn’t share
me: i was also considering this edit: At noon / The space is gone / Emptied of its no- / thing contents.
hrmmm yeah
but again, i dont know if thats too much
David: again, i like the original better
that weird jarring rhythm
of the original, i mean
me: yeah
David: and the unexpected shift from one object-word to another
me: the original plays better on the nothing makes you happy, and having no contents
David: i don’t understand what you just said
me: heheh
So at noon the space is gone
meaning space is filled
emptied of its nothing contents… the space has been taken out, which is a weird way of saying something is in the place of space
but all these backward ways of filling space through negative description, still leaves the impression of emptiness despite the space being filled
David: true
and in a sense, there’s nothing emptier than a full room
me: which, combined with the bleached sheet smell and eating and not enjoying is the unfulfilling sleeping with prostitutes
unfulfilling… thats interesting word for this poem as well
David: everything in such a saturated state that nothing has meaning of its own
me: yeah
exactly
im not exactly sure what the half moon is doing in the poem
but 28 days is the moon cycle and the time between periods
David: i didn’t even think of that
for me, those natural images are about the defining aspect of the self-reflective life
which is that your perspective is constantly telescoping in and out
me: maybe i can call it a red scorpion instead of a translucent scorpion?
hrmmm
David: translucent gives away that you’re talking about the moon
but red scorpion sounds better
but it also sounds kind of… badass?
me: and i could use red for the period reference to come out a bit more
heheh yeah
maybe i want “The eternal Christmas / Lights blink red the pathway / Of lowly giving.”
or split it up better
“The eternal Christmas / Lights blink red / the pathway of lowly giving.”
David: do you have to capitalize Christmas?
i need to think about capitalization
me: hrmm i dunno.. with surprise capitalization like that i think you have to be careful because it costs a fair amount to use it
David: and you don’t want to inject any faithful childhood conservatism into your isolated tropical depression
me: a lowercase christmas plays more into the unnamed body
red scorpion or lights blink red?
David: blink red
me: yeah i think so too
is translucent a useful word since we already know im playing with the moon?
David: hard to say, but it depends on the level of opacity you’re willing to work with
i might suggest leaving it in, even though strictly you might not need it
me: We are patrons of the unnamed body?
David: it’s a question of audience.
ooh
me: yeah i think its ok for rhythm too
me: glad you like it man.. its the first one im excited about in a while